There’s someone that I hope reads this
So I have a kid and I’m in college and his baby mama hates me. How much worse can life get right? Wrong
My life has went down the drain since me and my son’s mom broke up in August. Ever since like 7372 medicial bills came through we have had no money whasoever. We have been scrounging for money every week. Worrying about whether or not we’ll have gas to get to school or work or even any food to eat. Its just been god awful. Me and my dad bite each others heads off for no reason, and this isn’t first time this has happened but it is different. It’s not because we’re annoyed with one another, its because we know we’re in such a tight spot. One we may never recover from this year since the cold is setting in so my will be out of a job soon and I need to find one asap. and as soon as I do find one, i’ll be working for charity basically.
There’s just days where I wonder whether or not it’s even worth it being alive That isn’t even the worst part sadly. I don’t get to see Skyler like I should. She has never left him alone with our family just because she thinks I’m not responsible because I’m not around him every living second of the day. I’m sorry if it’s irresponsible to relax and let my parents have time with him while I sleep to prepare for onslaught of stress in the next upcoming week. I long to see him every second of every day and I really wish I didn’t have to go to court just to see him an extra day or two, not saying it wouldn’t be worth it. It’s just if I do, then I’ll probably have to cut down school hours or even drop out of school to provide the money needed for child support.
Also my heart is growing cold, and it’s breaking. Slowly, piece by piece, day by day, my heart is fading away. She has a new boyfriend who she’s probably putting out to the public worse than a new prostitute on the streets. As much as I hate to admit it, it breaks my heart. I don’t know if its from where I just spend my days off on my ass and not with anyone or if I really do still love her for whatever reason. and anytime I talk to jon about it, he just says he hates her guts and I should too, well I hate her for plenty of things but how its possible to hate and love someone at the same time is mind boggling to me. I’ve had this on my mind for what seems like forever, but I have this other reason which I feel is stronger than all the others. She’s with someone who is making her happy, probably in ways I can’t. Giving her massages taking her anywhere she wants and actually has money. I remember being able to do that with one girl, who, when we was together made me so happy that I could cry. we went out places, and yes they were free, but who cares? We had the time of our lives there. we could talk on the phone until we were so slap happy that we forgot we both had class in the morning, and we wouldn’t realize this until around 3:30 or 4.
I would do anything to have that life back, I can’t tell you a time when I was ever happier than I was. I just want it back. To continuously have both her and my baby boy back in my life would be absolutely perfect. I couldn’t ask for any more in my life.
So, I’m officially, fully single. Which I can say, that after the last 3 months, is a great feeling. Over the last few months I’ve been bogged down tremendously by certain people and I have a feeling until I get everything settled inside a courtroom, I will never not be completely bogged down by it. While I do enjoy being single, I just wish you would come back into my life. I’ve been so stupid in the past few months to have let things happen the way they did. I should have never gotten back together with Skyler’s mom, even if it was for him, in the end it caused no happiness for anyone, only more pain, even for people who are not directly involved in the situation.
I still have these Taylor Swift tickets and I’m not sure if they’re going to be used, because I’m certainly NOT going alone, and there is only person I would take, and if she doesn’t want to go, then I feel there is no point in going. As every song is a reflection of her life, if I was to hear those songs without her, I would probably cry. Those 6 months were the happiest 6 months of my life, and I was the idiot that ruined it, sigh.
I know I’m not no doctor, I know I’m no healer of souls, but if I had the chance to heal all the gashes, scrapes, bruises, and broken bones and ligaments, I would do everything in my power to do so.
In closing, I really needed to pour my soul this morning, even if I’m not very good writer. But it’s like 6:30 so I should probably head out to my second 8 o’clock class of the week. This whole getting up at 5:30 4 days of the weeks and at 6:30 on another thing is getting old, and its catching up with me. Fast.
But all I know is, that if it’s meant to be God will draw us back together, that, and to get custody of Sky, would be the greatest things that could have ever happened to me.
Dear friend,
I know you don’t want to, but if you read this, please text me, I really want nothing more than your guidance on this issue. I know I’ve been told a thousand times to not even try to contact you that you don’t want to talk to me, but please talk to me. I wish nothing more right now than to talk to you.
Love,
kyle
